God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
You Might Also Like
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me