police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body