“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
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sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.