Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?