*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
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1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
White parent Vs Arab parents
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS