The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.