When your teen is already bigger than you are…
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Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Kidney stones? Hard pass
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.