Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
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Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I’m not stressed
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.