If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.