Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread