my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
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I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
work smarter, not harder
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen