“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
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Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up