In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
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IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
i love meeting boys on tinder
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.