Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
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Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Practicing safe sax
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
#Caturday
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.