my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Salad is the decaf of food.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I feel this so hard
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;