I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
2022 will be better than 2021
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”