I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
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them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
my favorite genre of twitter
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman