My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
You Might Also Like
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Spa day..😅
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
An odd boast
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no