Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it