Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
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Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
True?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
We cut our bangs at dawn.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
i’m still crying at this
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset