Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
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if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
only 11 steps left
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving