Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
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I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?