I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
You Might Also Like
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.