When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
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decorating my apartment
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
😂🤣😂🤣
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess