My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago