I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
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Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier