professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
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It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Don’t touch that.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Room with a view.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead