When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
The little toadstool has spoken.
How I like cutting carbs
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Something Saturday.