I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
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The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
i meant to share this earlier
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.