My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
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Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*