me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
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Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
i wish i could marry a nap
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.