Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Baller is short for ballerina
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car