Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
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If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
when you don’t want to be too vague
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut