Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
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coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Breaking news:
fr
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.