Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
You Might Also Like
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I can’t stop watching this.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.