I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Body by sandwich.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no