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My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Hot hot hot 🥵
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
going to the ER y’all need anything
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.