[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
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lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I hope they boil the right one.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
😂😂😂
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
first you must answer his riddles
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people