DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
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Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
can’t believe I got front row seats
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.