Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
You Might Also Like
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
catch me on valentine’s day like
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️