Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
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a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*