How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
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Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*