Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
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I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Good morning
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.