me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Beware of fowl play.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?