Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra