Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
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I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.