Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
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The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me when my alarm goes off
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.