Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
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My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.