I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
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Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
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I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory