[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
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Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
🙂🐾
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.